Passing as Thin

By Valerie X Armstrong

At different times in my life, during periods of strict dieting, I could “pass” as thin…

I use the term “pass” because I was born a fat person and I identify myself as a fat person, although, I’ve had brief periods where my outward appearance belied that fact.

 I remember in my youth, reading and seeing movies about light skinned black people “passing” as white, and how much easier their lives were as far as being accepted by society at large.

My life was indeed easier being thin, for the most part, except for dealing with constant hunger and fear of regaining the lost weight.

 I didn’t have to be ashamed of eating in public or going to the beach.  I could dance with my husband without fear of being made fun of by onlookers… I slipped with ease into the bucket seat of the MG Midget convertible my husband bought me as a “reward” for losing all that weight.

I could fit into any restaurant booth and turnstile gate and doctor’s visits held no fear for me to be humiliated and shamed…I didn’t need the big blood pressure cuff or the fat lady’s hospital gown.  The seats in the waiting rooms welcomed my slender posterior and the doctors praised me for a job well done.

Clothes shopping was a breeze. Every dress shop, with the exception of the plus size stores, had something wonderful for me to wear and I was treated like a queen by the clerks…so eager to help me.

I had no trouble at all finding a job…I was hired immediately for each one I applied for…I had my choice.

Strangely, some of the people who knew me as my fat self, didn’t react so nicely…Some, even ones I thought were good friends, dropped me like a hot potato.  I still don’t understand why. I’m still the same person on the inside regardless of my size.

Others, just gushed about how much better I looked and asked “Don’t you feel so much better?”  My answer was,  ”Not really, I’m always hungry.” 

 I always felt badly when someone said I looked so much better thin…What was I before…chopped liver?  And what will I be when the weight inevitably creeps back on…chopped liver… again?

People just don’t know the right things to say to newly thin folks.

Naturally, when I did regain the weight, I wanted to avoid those people so they wouldn’t be disappointed in me for failing to stay thin.

While I was working at a new job, surrounded by people who were mostly thin by nature, I got a chance to see how we (fat people) are really viewed by the “normals”…They had no idea of my weight history and would try to engage me in making comments about fat customers.  They would say awful things about ladies who were no bigger than I formerly was…They would ask me things like “I wonder how SHE got such a good looking husband?” or “I wonder how he can stand being seen with HER”…I always replied that I thought SHE was lovely and I bet her husband is proud to be seen with her.

They would look at me like I was nuts.This happened constantly…It seemed that the sport of the day was always picking on fat people behind their backs.  I always suspected such, but now I knew for certain. Just to be fair, though, not all of the thin employees took part in the nasty pastime…Some just kept silent

Fat people are definitely being ridiculed and judged every time they step out of the house.  No doubt about it. 

I’ve infiltrated their troops and I’ve seen behind “enemy” lines. I’ll never be able to tell myself that it’s just my imagination when I hear a snicker or hushed whisper as I pass by.

When it happens, I will either choose to ignore it or I’ll choose to confront the individuals, depending upon the circumstances. 

 Having viewed the situation from both sides of the fence, I realize that there is a lot of ignorance on the part of the fat haters…They truly believe the stereotype and think it is well within their rights to deride us…If they could only know (and actually believe) that fat people are not as they believe them to be, perhaps they might not be so judgmental.  One can only hope that through enlightenment and consciousness raising that people of all sizes can be treated with the respect they deserve.

Yes, my life was so much easier being thin.  I would never have chosen to be fat.  If I had any choice in the matter, I would choose thin.  But, I don’t have a choice.  No matter what I do or how hard I try, I am destined to be fat…That’s what people need to get through their heads.  People don’t choose the color of their skin or their sexual orientation , it’s genetics…Same as most fat people’s weight…We might be able to lose weight for brief periods, but it comes right back, for the majority of us…It’s nothing we are doing wrong.  It’s like holding our breath…We can do it briefly…but then we have to breathe again.