The Five Stages of Accepting Myself as a Fat Person

By Valerie X Armstrong

Everything I’ve gone through with my lifelong struggle with my weight reminds me of “The Five Stages of Grief “ by  author Elisabeth Kubler- Ross  in her book, "On Death and Dying"...Here is my version as it pertains to finally coming to terms with being fat:

1. DENIAL-  I will NOT be fat!…I refuse to accept this…I’m going to beat this… I’m going to fight it with everything I’ve got.  It won’t get the best of me.  I’ll get every book on the subject, I’ll seek out the experts, I’ll devote my every waking moment to getting my body the way it “should” be. I’ll starve myself, I’ll exercise until I drop.  I’ve got the will power and the tenacity and I’ll be so thin and gorgeous, I’ll put Barbie to shame.

2.ANGER-  What is wrong with me…I’ve done everything possible to stay thin and the weight keeps coming back…I’m like an air plant!

I can eat practically nothing and I still can’t lose an ounce or even maintain…I was doing so well and now it’s all coming back…None of my cute new clothes fit me.  Why, why, why?  The doctor doesn’t believe me and neither does anyone else…They say I’m cheating on my diet and lying about it.  Even these diet pills don’t work.  I hate myself!

3.BARGAINING- I’ll do anything, God…Please just let me be thin…I’ll never eat again…I’ll run 5 miles a day…I’ll give every cent I own to charity…I’ll go to church twice every Sunday and devote my life to helping others, just please, please, please, let me be thin.

4.DEPRESSION- My life is over…I weigh more than I ever did.  Nothing fits me…People make fun of me…I hate going out of the house…What’s the use of even living if it’s going to be in a hideous fat body like mine?  If I wasn’t scared of dying, I’d kill myself.  Nothing I do helps.  I’ve been dieting all my life and I’m still fat. I am just worthless.

5. ACCEPTANCE-Okay, here’s the deal…I’m fat, and apparently I’m going to stay that way. I’ve done all I possibly could to change myself, but I guess I am genetically programmed to be this way.  If I am going to have any kind of life, I’d better make peace with that fact.  I’m going to embrace my body and look for the good aspects of the situation.  I’m healthy and I’m smart, I am relatively good looking, and a nice person.  Why is being fat such a big deal after all?  I’ll seek out like-minded people and start enjoying myself.  I’ll get new clothes that fit me and I’ll go out and about and not be ashamed of myself because of my size.  I’ve got a lot going for me that lots of thin people don’t have.  I refuse to spend one more minute of my life hating myself…Look out world, here I come.

Being Fat and Hungry

By Valerie X Armstrong

To a casual observer, I most likely fit the stereotype of a person that  gives full rein to their appetite and totally lacks restraint in that regard.

Nothing could be farther from the truth.

As much as I would like to indulge myself, I cannot ,or you would, no doubt, find me on a flat bed trailer on my way to the Jerry Springer show.

My body is the thriftiest when it comes to counting every calorie.  It keeps saving up for the day when famine might strike, and it wants me to be ready.

Some of the people that write about eating anything you want and your body weight leveling itself out, don’t know my body. 

 If I didn’t monitor my food intake and keep my body moving , there is no telling how fat I would become. 

 My body lacks the satiety sensor…I do not know what it feels like to have enough to eat or be full…I have no “off switch” where my hunger is concerned.  It amazes me when people can leave a half  plate of food  and say they’ve had enough…That is a totally foreign concept for me.

I don’t eat junk food. I eat moderate portions. I eat as close to naturally as possible. I eat low carb and low glycemic foods, to keep my blood sugar low and level…I eat plenty of veggies, fruits, nuts and lean meats.  I exercise daily.  I am not a compulsive eater or binge eater…

My hunger is true physical hunger, not emotional.  I just lack the apparatus  that most people have that tells them they’ve had enough…The regulator thingy. 

 I’ve told this to many doctors and they just stare blankly at me. I  HAVE  to count calories, and make a concerted effort to space my meals, or I would want to eat all day. 

 I’m not a mental case and I don’t have Prader-Willi syndrome, that causes insatiable appetites in some of it’s victims, to where they will go to great lengths to satisfy their cravings.  My thyroid tests all come back within normal range…I have plenty of energy.

 I have a happy fulfilled life and am not trying to make up for anything that’s lacking in my life by eating excess food.  I’m not in any sort of denial .  I am a “normal” person  in every respect, except that I’m  missing  the hunger shut-off valve.

I’ve spent most of my life searching for answers to this dilemma…No one knows why I’m like this.  I never see this issue discussed anywhere. I can’t be the only one. 

 It’s bad enough being stigmatized for being fat, but it’s even worse to be hungry the whole time you are being picked on.

I can and do control my urges to eat, and it’s a struggle for me to maintain even the high weight that I do.  I would love to give myself free rein to eat all the things that are so delicious and tempting, but sadly , if I want to remain mobile, I’d better not.

I probably eat less and get more exercise  than most of the thin people who make hasty assumptions about what I eat and my level of activity…Explaining to them is useless, they don’t think I’m being truthful.

I’m glad I’m able to maintain this weight, for the most part, but actually, the older I get, even a little more slowly creeps on.  I thought I’d have some magic thing happen to me when I got this old and I’d turn into the mythical “little old lady”…Not so far anyway, I’m still a “big old lady”.  I’m happy that I’m healthy and strong ,despite my size…I’d hate to lose weight from illness like many people do.

 I’m meant to be a big gal.. I’m genetically programmed to be mountainous, however, and I have to watch each bite just to be able to remain at a functional weight…I don’t want to spend my life in bed being waited on by others if I can help it.

 

But, please, make no assumptions that I am scarfing boxes of bon bons while sitting on my tuffet all day…Nope…not me….I’ve gone to bed hungry every night of my life.

A Call To Arms

By Valerie X Armstrong

Since starting my Facebook page, "The Survival of the Fattest/ A Fairytale for Fat Kids", I have been reading more articles on obesity so as to stay informed and also be able to pass on some items of interest to the page members.

 I always read the "comments" section of the articles, as well, to see what other's opinions are. One thing that has become overwhelmingly obvious to me is the abject hatred of fat people that most of these commenters have.
 If there were a KKK for fat bigots they would fit right in. It matters not to them why a person is fat. They all believe the stereotype and they are disgusted by it. They have no compassion for fat people whatsoever.

 I often wondered how Hitler could recruit such heartless henchmen, but now I see. If they had their way, we would all be eliminated and they would gladly volunteer to do the eliminating. I don't know why they think like that, but they do.

 I knew from my own personal experience of living in a fat body that there was prejudice, but I didn't realize it was so widespread and heinous. The hatred spans all walks of life, from people who write intelligently and claim to be MD's or PHD's to people who can barely get their nasty message typed out because of their stupidity. They all have one common ground, their hatred of fat people. 

This my friends is a call to arms...War has been declared against us. Take every opportunity available to you to respond to these comments. Fight this oppression every chance you get, in every way you can, within reason. No one is going to give us our human rights unless we stand up and demand them. It can be done but we must ALL work together, not only for our own sake but for future generations

Trolls Be Damned

By Valerie X Armstrong

“Anyone can speak Troll. All you have to do is point and grunt.”
― J.K. Rowling

 I have been fat since I can remember…Childhood pictures of me show me as a fat  baby, a fat toddler, a fat child, and a fat teen.  My brother was average size and my sister was thin.  I have no known medical cause for my fatness. I’ve always been physically active and not a big eater..My family didn’t have much money and food was sometimes scarce so we didn’t eat a lot.  My mom was a little heavy and dad was normal size.  I have seen pictures of other ancestors that were quite heavy. I have been on diets since I was ten or eleven years old.  I have lost and gained hundreds and hundreds of pounds.  My first substantial weight loss was fifty pounds.  It took me six months to reach goal. I was about fourteen or fifteen years old  and was put on an eight hundred calorie a day diet.  I stuck to it with out ever slipping off.  After I reached my goal weight, I went back to eating normally and all the weight came back in a couple of months.  I gave it another go in a year or so and lost another sixty pounds on a canned diet gimmick of the day called Metrecal…People were supposed to have four cans a day which totalled one thousand calories, but my doctor only allowed me three cans..totalling  seven hundred and fifty calories. They were chocolate shake type drinks with a medicinal after taste.  I had nothing else but water.  In six months I had reached goal again…And again as soon as I started eating the weight rushed back on.  The subsequent years were a combination of  using diet pills, joining weight loss clubs, hypnosis, abusing laxatives, exercising excessively, getting shots of pregnant mare’s urine, and buying every conceivable diet book and attempting them all to no lasting avail.

The first real success I ever had at losing weight and actually keeping it off was when I was around thirty. I lost one hundred and sixty five pounds in a year and a half by eating one thousand calories a day.  As I neared my goal, I had to cut to way below one thousand calories and exercise much more to arrive at the upper end of where the weight chart said I should be.  I looked skeletal, but the scale said I was still too heavy for my five foot seven inch medium frame.

I started teaching aerobics to pay for my gym membership and exercised several hours a day. I got a job demonstrating exercise machines and became their spokesperson.   I was back on laxatives and only eating about eight hundred calories a day or less..trying so hard to maintain my goal weight.  I did maintain that loss for nearly eight years…Then the weight just started coming back on it’s own, without my increasing my caloric intake or lessening my activity.  I went to my doctor and got checked for thyroid or other medical issues and I was deemed okay but  I was chastised for my weight gain.  Everyone was noticing my increasing size and was assuming that I was binging.  I quit going to out as much because I was doing everything according to my doctor’s food plan  but my body wasn’t cooperating.  I was mortified, as I had been on TV and radio and and there was a huge full page article about me in our local paper quoting me as saying, “I’ll never be fat again”.

I  have never given up trying to be a “healthy” weight.  I have been dieting over and over for years since then with substantial weight losses, but it invariably returns.  I eat healthy, lean meats and seafood in small portions, fresh fruits and veggies, rarely do I exceed fifteen hundred calories a day, yet my weight is ever on the increase unless I cut back to practically nothing. I don’t eat pre-packaged foods or “fast foods”…I get plenty of fiber and take vitamins…and get lots of exercise…I should by all current theories about why one is fat, be a stick figure.

My doctor recommends the Gastric Bypass, as he says it might alter my physiology so perhaps I won’t gain weight so easily,  but I have never had good luck with general anesthetics so I am concerned and have put off having it.  Another thing is, I feel fine, for my age…I look younger than my years, I’m active, my numbers (blood sugar, blood pressure, cholesterol) are where they should be.  I wouldn’t even know I had a “problem” if it weren’t for others telling me that I was too fat.  I’ve been told I was going to die young for so many years if I didn’t lose weight. I’m now too old to die young … so much for that crapola.

I was promped to write this because of all the pompous know- it -alls who write the nasty comments on the articles that promote size acceptance or any articles about fat and obesity .  Those guys don’t know squat, for all their pontificating…They are just parroting what some credentialed idiot has said.  Unless they have lived in a genetically fat body, they have no room to say a blasted word or offer their ignorant opinions…They are completely brainwashed by the media and are too stupid to realize it.  Losing weight is one thing…but keeping it off is another thing, altogether, when your body insists on staying at it’s natural high set point.  “They” say you can change your set point, but that is also a crock.

I’ve dealt with people like this all my life and my kids and grand kids are going through it now…I’m dedicating my life to try to enlighten people about genetic fatness.  I realize there are many causes of obesity and no one should ever be treated badly because of their size, but some people actually CAN lose weight and keep it off if they can find a method that works for them.  My concern is for those who have tried EVERYTHING and are still fat.  If willpower worked, or if eating correctly helped or activity or whatever, worked then I would be thin. I promise you that.  I have the worlds greatest willpower and tenacity.  I have lived this saga and I am here to tell you that all fat people are NOT the same.  Some of us are intended by nature to be fat…Period!  So shut up trolls or your karma might make your kids  or grand kids genetic fatties…Let’s see how you’d like that.

Passing as Thin

By Valerie X Armstrong

At different times in my life, during periods of strict dieting, I could “pass” as thin…

I use the term “pass” because I was born a fat person and I identify myself as a fat person, although, I’ve had brief periods where my outward appearance belied that fact.

 I remember in my youth, reading and seeing movies about light skinned black people “passing” as white, and how much easier their lives were as far as being accepted by society at large.

My life was indeed easier being thin, for the most part, except for dealing with constant hunger and fear of regaining the lost weight.

 I didn’t have to be ashamed of eating in public or going to the beach.  I could dance with my husband without fear of being made fun of by onlookers… I slipped with ease into the bucket seat of the MG Midget convertible my husband bought me as a “reward” for losing all that weight.

I could fit into any restaurant booth and turnstile gate and doctor’s visits held no fear for me to be humiliated and shamed…I didn’t need the big blood pressure cuff or the fat lady’s hospital gown.  The seats in the waiting rooms welcomed my slender posterior and the doctors praised me for a job well done.

Clothes shopping was a breeze. Every dress shop, with the exception of the plus size stores, had something wonderful for me to wear and I was treated like a queen by the clerks…so eager to help me.

I had no trouble at all finding a job…I was hired immediately for each one I applied for…I had my choice.

Strangely, some of the people who knew me as my fat self, didn’t react so nicely…Some, even ones I thought were good friends, dropped me like a hot potato.  I still don’t understand why. I’m still the same person on the inside regardless of my size.

Others, just gushed about how much better I looked and asked “Don’t you feel so much better?”  My answer was,  ”Not really, I’m always hungry.” 

 I always felt badly when someone said I looked so much better thin…What was I before…chopped liver?  And what will I be when the weight inevitably creeps back on…chopped liver… again?

People just don’t know the right things to say to newly thin folks.

Naturally, when I did regain the weight, I wanted to avoid those people so they wouldn’t be disappointed in me for failing to stay thin.

While I was working at a new job, surrounded by people who were mostly thin by nature, I got a chance to see how we (fat people) are really viewed by the “normals”…They had no idea of my weight history and would try to engage me in making comments about fat customers.  They would say awful things about ladies who were no bigger than I formerly was…They would ask me things like “I wonder how SHE got such a good looking husband?” or “I wonder how he can stand being seen with HER”…I always replied that I thought SHE was lovely and I bet her husband is proud to be seen with her.

They would look at me like I was nuts.This happened constantly…It seemed that the sport of the day was always picking on fat people behind their backs.  I always suspected such, but now I knew for certain. Just to be fair, though, not all of the thin employees took part in the nasty pastime…Some just kept silent

Fat people are definitely being ridiculed and judged every time they step out of the house.  No doubt about it. 

I’ve infiltrated their troops and I’ve seen behind “enemy” lines. I’ll never be able to tell myself that it’s just my imagination when I hear a snicker or hushed whisper as I pass by.

When it happens, I will either choose to ignore it or I’ll choose to confront the individuals, depending upon the circumstances. 

 Having viewed the situation from both sides of the fence, I realize that there is a lot of ignorance on the part of the fat haters…They truly believe the stereotype and think it is well within their rights to deride us…If they could only know (and actually believe) that fat people are not as they believe them to be, perhaps they might not be so judgmental.  One can only hope that through enlightenment and consciousness raising that people of all sizes can be treated with the respect they deserve.

Yes, my life was so much easier being thin.  I would never have chosen to be fat.  If I had any choice in the matter, I would choose thin.  But, I don’t have a choice.  No matter what I do or how hard I try, I am destined to be fat…That’s what people need to get through their heads.  People don’t choose the color of their skin or their sexual orientation , it’s genetics…Same as most fat people’s weight…We might be able to lose weight for brief periods, but it comes right back, for the majority of us…It’s nothing we are doing wrong.  It’s like holding our breath…We can do it briefly…but then we have to breathe again.

How to Start Loving Yourself Regardless of Your Size

By Valerie X Armstrong

 
1.Take any clothes that don't fit you out of your closet or drawers. Sell them, donate them or give them away, just get them out of your personal space. If you want to pack them away somewhere out of sight, it's okay too. For some of us it's hard to get totally rid of clothing we spent a lot of money on because we think we might need it someday. As long as it is packed up and stashed away out of sight, hang on to it if you want to. Just don't stress over it. Sometimes we can swap our clothes that don't fit for those that do. You can either exchange with friends or family or sell them in consignment shops or on Ebay and buy new (or new to you) clothing with the proceeds.
If you don't have enough left to wear that actually fits you, buy some more outfits and undies, too, in a size that fits. It doesn't matter what the sizes are on the tags, as long as you like them and they fit you comfortably. Don't worry about the numbers. Put away your scales, or toss them...Your choice.

2. Stop any negative self-talk. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you are beautiful. If you catch yourself thinking something bad about your size or weight or looks in general, immediately replace that thought with a positive one. Do loving things for yourself. Indulge once in a while by getting that bouquet of fresh flowers in the grocery store or that new perfume or a treat of some kind now and then whether it be a book you've been wanting to read or something else you enjoy.

3. Don't devote a single second of your time to those people who make you feel fat, unworthy, ugly, unlovable, or less than. Sometimes that is hard to do if it is family or co-workers. If you explain to them how their actions make you feel and they persist in their behavior, distance yourself from them as much as possible. Sometimes it might mean looking for another job...or avoiding family gatherings where they will be, until you gain more confidence in dealing with them, which will happen in time.
Always realize that what they say and how they treat you says more about them than it does about you. It is their own insecurities and shortcomings that they are taking out on you, whether they realize it or not. Regarding friends, people that make you feel bad are not your real friends. If after you've asked them to stop their negativity towards you and they continue to do it, get new friends. There are many kind, compassionate people out there looking for someone like you to befriend

4. Find some kind of enjoyable movement for your body. Walking either alone or with your dog (if you don't have a dog, you might consider getting one) or putting on some music and dancing around the room or swimming or hula hooping or playing with your kids, makes you appreciate your body and makes you feel good in general. There are many ways to have fun moving your body...biking, bowling, gardening or shopping in the mall, that keep you active, if you don't like regular gym type exercise. Just move as much as possible. Eating things that are good for you and going easy on things that are bad for you is always wise. Our bodies need certain nutrients to function properly and some processed foods are actually toxic to us. Just use common sense and moderation. Eat when you're hungry, stop when you're full. Care for your body like you would anything else that you love so it will last a long time.

5. Stop all "fat talk", about your body or anyone else's. Don't complain about your weight or comment on anyone else's. Don't dish the dirt with others about diets or weight loss or anything else pertaining to someone's size or shape, or your own.

6. Stop comparing yourself to others. Get rid of magazines that have airbrushed photos of models who are painfully thin. Change the channel when shows come on about celebrity weight gain or loss and mute the weight loss ads. Find a compassionate weight friendly doctor that doesn't blame every ailment on your weight. Don't believe the media messages that tell you you are not thin enough or pretty enough.They are false. They are just trying to sell you something.

7.Accepting yourself and loving yourself will not happen overnight. Surround yourself with like-minded people, read books on the subject, find kindred spirits online, become a size acceptance activist. It is all a process of deprogramming yourself of all the untrue messages you've been bombarded with for years. Little by little the old way of thinking will fade away. You will realize the truth and come to love yourself for the unique and awesome individual that you truly are.

Born Bullies

By Valerie X Armstrong

In trying to be a nice person, I have found myself in the position of feeding several stray cats, and when I can catch one, and I have the funds, I have it spayed or neutered.  I have a spayed female dog and two neutered male cats of my own, who stay inside. There are eight other cats who show up to eat twice a day. So far, I've had three females spayed.  I  still have to get one more female spayed and four males neutered.

 All the cats outside get along with each other except the black male who is a big bully. I've had other black cats over the years that were friendly and lovable, so this isn't about his color. 

He will pick a fight with any of the other cats, male or female, it doesn't matter.  He eats along with the others and he has his own bowl, but he always wants to push someone else out of their bowl even though the bowls are identical to his. 

 He'll sneak up on a sleeping cat and atttack it for no reason.  I try to show him love, but he glares and hisses at me.  All the others were feral cats too, but now they purr and let me pet them.

 I'm afraid if I touched him he'd shred me to pieces.   He walks around just looking for some cat who is minding their own business with the sole intention of beating them up. 

 I don't understand this cat's problem, unless he's a born bully.  Some of the other male cats are bigger than he is and sometimes they win the fights, but that doesn't stop him.  He's always got to be starting trouble. He doesn't have to intimidate anyone, they could all peacefully coexist. They don't need him to be the boss.

I think some people are like that, born trouble makers.  I don't think it was how they were raised or how they were treated by society.  I just think there are some bad apples and this cat is one of them.  I felt sorry for him in the beginning, but he is so mean, I'm rapidly getting over it...Now I feel sorry for the other cats that are having to live in fear of this big bully.  Maybe if I can trap him and neuter him, it will mellow him out somewhat.  My yard is a peaceful spot where the cats and my dog and I could really relax and enjoy life, but this big bully is ruining it for all of us.  Bullies really are a big pain, whether they be the human or the feline variety.